Sometimes, adversity comes in the form of a church member (s) or leader(s) who believe they have the spiritual gift of “Pastor Pounding.” and do their very best to exercise the gift.
I have a disclaimer confession. In the first part of my ministry, I took these encounters very personally and emotionally. Over the years, through learning from responses that have embarrassed myself and Christ, as well as the receiving the input of mentors, I’ve learned, and continue to learn to let it go and find creative ways to block, circumvent, ignore, or try to win over without compromising core values
It usually catches me by surprise. A meeting opens with prayer. A scripture is read. People have their Bible’s on the table. There are “Amens” over sticking to God’s word. Then in the course of the meeting, I suggest something, The missiles are launched. Sometimes openly. Sometimes, in the parking lot after the meeting.
The next day, a “good intentioned” person calls or drops by with a “concern” they just have to share. The concern is that “some of the ones” (who are never named) “are concerned about”, disagree with…”, “are going to leave church if….”.
My response has been all over the map. It has ranged from panic, and a desperate attempt to placate the unknown concerned persons, or the person who is concerned (this is also known as codependency of which I have been the annual poster child for many years); to calmly commenting that when they find a new church home, I will gladly transfer their membership and accept their resignation from all positions of leadership. I truly wish them well. Neither extreme is helpful or healthy.
Because I am a work in progress, my response pattern has changed and hopefully matured over the years. Here is what I have learned.
- I no longer rush to placate. It gives people power over my life and ministry that they do not have the right to have. I am not hard and vindictive. I just don’t act out of panic.
- I work hard to control my anger, exasperation, and judgmental attitude.
- I have come to believe and value what John Wesley called, “Holy Conferencing”. I try to sit down with concerned persons and have conversation about their concerns. It is based on Matthew 18: 15. where Jesus lays out a simple plan for resolving conflict, beginning with conversation between the people involved. Settle it at the lowest level.
- I clearly distinguish between decisions, policies and ministry functions that I am responsible and accountable for through my ordination; and those that the leadership of the church and I are in partnership about. I do not undermine or nullify legitimate decisions of appropriate church leadership teams.
- I keep my Staff Parish Relations Committee (Personnel Committee) informed of conversations and interactions that involve conflict or disgruntled persons. At times, I include the chair in conversations.
- I avoid getting sucked into arguments in meetings. Neither do I try to get the last shot in. I try to keep an even tone.
- I never, never allow my disagreements with persons to limit or affect the quality of pastoral care I offer them if and when they need it. I never take it to the pulpit and misuse the pulpit by attacking those who disagree with me.
- I take my Sabbath, rest, meet regularly with a spiritual director, work at following spiritual disciplines, and have a close group of friends that hold me accountable. When I am lax in number 8, numbers 2-7 go out the window, and I wallow in number 1. Then it really gets messy.
Sometimes, just sitting down over coffee, and thrashing things out brings insight on both sides. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, I discover a new and better way to do something. Sometimes, they gain a new perspective and become supporters of ministry (not me). Sometimes, through conversation, they discover that their initial information was wrong, thus leading them to the wrong reaction. And sometimes, folks just won’t budge. Sometimes I won’t. I can’t change that.
Jesus said we would have days like that, and encounters like that. He was right. He also said to work for reconciliation. I no longer try to win. I try to reconcile.
How do you deal with those persons who seem to challenge you at every turn? Send me a comment.